I'm not a dreamer, at least not in the "I receive revelation through dreams" sort of way. But it does happen, sometimes, that I can tell my dreams are more than my brain trying to piece randomly firing synapses into a semblance of a story line. Those dreams are my brain, or possibly the spirit, trying to help me find order, patterns or insight into my life.
I knew the second I woke up, that it was one of those dreams....
In my dream I was meeting with a member of the Stake Presidency for some kind of interview to talk about how my calling was going. In the way of dreams, I had a calling I do not have (and does not exist) in reality. I came in with all my materials, eager to show how well I was doing and get some feedback. But when I sat down at the table, President Chamberlain just looked at me. Slowly a pained expression came over him and he sadly said "You're doing it all wrong..." I could tell from the way he said it, that my inexperience and cluelessness was creating all kinds of problems for him. That my mistakes were giving him all kinds of extra work to do. I asked him what I was doing incorrectly. He just looked at me with sad, uncomfortable eyes. I explained how I had never really been trained for this job. I'd just been handed the forms, the records from previous years and told "be sure you always do this" and "make sure you never do that," but that no one had ever really told me how the job was done. I was going on the couple of instructions I had received and what I could piece together from how others had done it. And based on those things, it looked to me like I was doing a good job. I told him how much I wanted to do this job and do it well. I compared it to my being PTA treasurer (and how I'd not really been trained for that, either). I told him I'd happily fix what I was doing wrong, how I was anxious to improve. But no matter how much I explained. No matter how much I asked. No matter how much I pleaded. He just sat there, looking so unhappy and uncomfortable, sometimes unable to even look me in the eye. I wanted so badly to fix it. To do it right. Or at least better, so he'd have less on his plate that came from me. But I didn't know what I was doing wrong. So I couldn't DO anything to make it better.
Finally I woke up enough to recognize the dream as a dream. In the way I do with upsetting dreams, I gave myself power to DO something about the upset. I handed him the pile of papers, forms, binders. I told him again how much I wanted to do this and to do it well, but until he could let me know where I needed to fix and/or improve what I wasn't quite doing right or was really screwing up, there was nothing I could do... so I'd just be done. I quit.
It wasn't the resolution I wanted. I wanted to learn what to do, fix it, improve and eventually get really good at what I'd been asked to do. But rather than continue to add to his load, his pain, by continuing to do the job as I'd been doing it, I'd be done.
At that point I was upset enough to wake up. And I immediately recognized this as a dream trying to tell me something. Although there is an area of my life that I'm pretty sure this dream was a direct response to.... it applies to pretty much every aspect of my life: marriage, parenting, work, friends, sibling relationships, you name it.
Life doesn't come with any real training. We're all clueless and faking it. They hand you a baby and let you just walk out of the hospital, for heaven's sake. There's no instruction manual. Not really. Oh, we have things that can help, definitely. I do not mean to discount personal revelation, scriptures, expert advise, etc. But aren't we all just going through life, doing the best we can with the few instructions we've been given and some past examples to follow? And we're all screwing up, or at least, not doing it quite right.
When we know WHAT we've done wrong, then we can choose whether or not to own it and try to do better. But when the people in our lives are too offended to even try to talk to us. Too hurt to see things from our side and open a conversation and let things heal. Too upset to even tell us why they're upset.... how can we help? how can we know what to change? how can we make it better? how can we improve?
I don't like being imperfect. I don't like finding out I'm doing something wrong.
But even more than having to face my own weaknesses,
I don't like feeling powerless.
I don't like feeling that people who are important to me won't tell me why they're upset with me. Feeling like I may be unknowingly making it worse. Adding to the resentment. When I don't even know why the resentment is there. The people in my life are far more important to me than the things in my life. They're more important than my being right.
I won't always like it, or be comfortable with it, but I'm OK with learning I've screwed up. Because I know that's the only way I can change and become the person I want to be when I grow up.
So please...
talk.
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