sometimes life really is that hard

Please forgive me a venting sort of post.

Sometimes, in the middle of life's stresses, I try to remind myself that my life isn't so hard.  That my difficulties are on par with everyone else's and that really, I'd rather have my variety of challenges than anyone else's...

Then there are days like today.  When I feel totally dumped upon.

On top of all the challenges of my own psyche, dealing with my husband's depression/ADD/anxiety, the stress of 14 months of unemployment, grad school, managing home, kids, homework, meals, laundry, etc...  I now find myself with a daughter who is becoming more and more emotionally unstable and a son who, although the calendar may say he's ten, is really much, much younger. 

No one who knows Monkey can believe that she's a problem.  She seems so sweet, so helpful, so responsible.  Until they see one of her fits.  And unfortunately, those fits, which used to be reserved for mom and dad, are now popping up for other people to see.  And they're getting worse.  (OH, the stories I could tell.  But I won't.  Honestly, you wouldn't believe them and I don't think this is the forum for them anyway).  It's pretty clear she needs to be medicated.  And soon.  I have dealt with four episodes in the past three days.  It's pretty draining.

And now Bucket.  We're not getting anywhere with his meds.  And although the psychiatrist said it is "normal" for kids with his difficulties to be a couple years behind in maturity... he's more than a couple.  I can trust W to do basic cooking, to light candles (with supervision) and to not destroy things and not kill himself (or others) when my back is turned.  He has trouble handling anger and frustration, but overall he's pretty responsible for five years old.  But what do I do with a ten year old who wanders off from jobs if he is not constantly monitored and can't seem to learn to think (even a little) before he acts?  Yes, the obvious answer is "just love him" and I try to make that my focus every day.  But sometimes the practical application is harder... I can't ask him to help with cooking, I can't ask him to babysit, just giving him chores IS a chore.  And then there's his lack of impulse control, he just doesn't seem able to stop and think before he acts.  Take tonight, for example.  I'm dealing with Monkey and her meltdown, so Bucket slides through the cracks and about 9pm I realise he hasn't gone to bed.  I get his book put away and send him to bed.  About 20 minutes later he comes back upstairs (interrupting Monkey's continued meltdown) to confess that he force fed a cat legos.  Yup.  Made one of the cats eat legos - because he wanted to see what would happen. 

And so now I get to add to my stress by watching to see if the cat that doesn't really belong to me passes some legos or dies from a lego intestinal obstruction.

Joy.