interesting insight

You read lots of things about the "cause" of autism... most find me by way of Facebook.  Autism is caused by gluten, by vaccines, by lead, by stomach flora... you name it.  One of my favorites was "I gave my child autism"... talking about how, at least in their case, autism was definitely genetic.

For us, Bucket definitely comes by his highly quirky nature (read AUTISM) naturally. My husband may or may not be spectrum (he brought up the possibility to his psychiatrist the other day and her response was "I wouldn't be surprised").  And there are definite "quirky" things on my side of the family as well... so of course in the genetic mix at least ONE of my children would get more than his fair share and be able to have an Autism diagnosis.

I had an interesting insight this morning...  you see, I have a terrible time letting things go sometimes.  Some event will bother me - something that makes me feel uncertain, uncomfortable, stupid, embarrassed - and it's like it plays on infinite repeat in my brain.  There's a skip in my mental record somewhere... and it just plays and plays and plays the same little blip.  It can go on for days.  (Sometimes, it needs prayer for me to Let It Go, Let It Go...).  My chest feels tight and I can feel the tension all over my body.  I live the whole thing over and over... sure that the other people involved think badly of me and that the whole thing will turn into something terrible (lost relationships, lawsuits, international warfare, damnation... just your standard catatrophizing).  And as I walked around feeling all this... I realized how much I am like Bucket.  We joke a lot about his "broken record" moments... and yet I have them too.  The difference between us is our level of HONESTY.  When Bucket has these feelings... he shows it.  He talks about how he feels - over and over and over.  The tension in his body shows as he rocks, flails his arms, bangs his head, cries, etc.  Me, I just go on with my normal day.  From the outside no one would ever guess a part of my brain is stuck... stuck on my stupid word choice in a conversation, afraid I've offended someone, stuck wondering what someone thinks of me, stuck wondering if I made a bad choice... my behavior is "normal", my conversations are "normal".  My personal Hell does not show.  For Bucket.  It does.

We talked about this idea of Autism as "honesty" recently in the parent group at Bucket's social skills class.  The idea that we can look at their meltdowns, their tactless comments... all the "lack of filter" behaviors... as honesty.  It changes how you feel about the behaviors.  Suddenly, their behaviors are all a little more positive.  They are just a little bit more honest than the rest of us.  We hide our "stuff" from the world... they don't.  If Bucket is happy - he lets the world know.  If Bucket is interested in something - he lets the world know.  If Bucket is bored - he lets the world know.  If Bucket is scared, worried, envious, regretful, intrigued, intimidated, excited, proud... he lets the world know.

And is that really a bad thing.