I've been feeling for a while that I should do a blog. This makes me nervous, but it's time to stop ignoring that feeling I've had. Public journal - here we come.
First let me introduce the characters:
Me, a 30-something, stay-at-home mom with a college degree. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints. I grew up in Mormondom and served a mission in Ecuador. I went to college on a full-ride scholarship (more than one, actually). I love to learn and I do a little bit of everything. My mom used to say I was a "Renaissance Man" because of my wide variety of talents and interests. My husband tells people I "excel at everything [I] put my hand to."
Beorn, my husband. We've been married for 12 years and he is my best friend and easily the most intelligent person I know. He has a wide variety of talents and interests to match my own. He suffers with severe depression and was recently diagnosed with ADD.
Monkey, my oldest daughter (11). Since babyhood she has had an incredible memory, especially for music. She composes music and even untrained, she has an incredible singing voice (taking after great-aunts who sang professionally). She is a smart one. She started talking at 10 months and by age two could discuss things like coniferous and deciduous trees. She has a very intense personality, dislikes challenges, but wants to cure the world of any and all injustice.
Bucket, my oldest son (9). Is also incredibly intelligent. Taking after his daddy, he taught himself to read at age three and is a SPEED reader (seriously, you can't believe it till you see it). He's always been just a little bit different than the average bear, but it grew worse as he got older. Sometimes it seemed like I was losing him. It took a year and a couple doctors, but we have a sort-of diagnosis (the specialist even said he was a difficult diagnosis): yes, he's on the Asperger's spectrum, but not enough to "worry about," most of his difficulties come from being smarter than he is mature (=anxiety) and severe ADD with hyperfocus. ADD meds have made a world of difference and I feel like I have my child back.
W (4). Doesn't have a nickname. He's "just W----". His most showy claim to intellectual fame is that he could put 24-32 piece jigsaw puzzles together before he was two. Makes his great-grandad proud. Now he is teaching himself to read, write and play the piano. He has an amazing imagination and keeps us entertained with the voices he does - especially the one he uses with his little sister (he never talks to her with his "regular" voice).
Nini (2). Is a very big person in a very tiny package. She gets lots of comments about how well she talks and how smart she is (which are true), but I think the old ladies in the grocery store can't see past her bald little head. We're on the five-year plan with her hair. She is very loving - saying "I love you" before saying goodbye to EVERYONE and always quick with please and thankyou.
Padme the cat (12). Thinks she is a person. Used to be so patient, now she's an onery old lady.
Arwen the cat (6). Best. Cat. Ever. Also the Turkish Angora I always wanted.
Lucy the cat (5). Siamese. Thinks she's in charge. Enough said.
Duncan the cat (4). Real life fraidy cat. After three years with us... still thinks we'll eat him.
Trigger the dog (1). Going to be a great dog, but for now he's making my life difficult.
The backyard flock. Currenly seven strong and enjoying their new dog-proof coop.
The new house (60+). After 11 years of marriage and over a year of waiting for the short sale to go through- we finally bought our first home. It's small (1800 sq ft, four bed, two bath), but fits our needs - including a studio out back for Beorn's leather and pottery.
For years I've been waiting - waiting for my "real life", the one I always envisioned, to finally start. When I was younger that kind of waiting made sense, that's what youth is all about, dreaming and planning for when you "grow up". Problem was, I kept doing it, even after I got married and started having kids. I married a wonderful man, who really is a good match for me in many ways, and although I knew he "had depression" I never saw the full extent of it until after we were married. His depression has ranged through the years from mild to suicidal. Add to that his ADD (recently diagnosed), feelings of low self-worth and lack of drive.... the result - he's always under-employed and we never seemed to "get anywhere" in life and definitetly not the places in my hopes, plans and dreams. I kept waiting for the time he'd stop being depressed, make some goals and get working. Then we could get on with "real life". It took me a decade to stop "waiting" and feeling sorry for myself. My life may not be all that I dreamed and planned - but it is still wonderful.
And yes, I have contemplated "taking charge" of my life. Going out and getting the good job that would support our family in the way I would like. But I have felt strongly my whole life that I should be a stay-at-home mom. I know it's what I should be doing at this stage of my life. Besides, the two times I've thought seriously about going back to work - one found me with an unplanned pregnancy, the other with a very clear message during General Conference that I needed to be home, just before Bucket started having problems that required more and more of my time. I know others look at me and shake their heads, but it is clear to me that I need to be home with my kids even if that means being poor for now...
First let me introduce the characters:
Me, a 30-something, stay-at-home mom with a college degree. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints. I grew up in Mormondom and served a mission in Ecuador. I went to college on a full-ride scholarship (more than one, actually). I love to learn and I do a little bit of everything. My mom used to say I was a "Renaissance Man" because of my wide variety of talents and interests. My husband tells people I "excel at everything [I] put my hand to."
Beorn, my husband. We've been married for 12 years and he is my best friend and easily the most intelligent person I know. He has a wide variety of talents and interests to match my own. He suffers with severe depression and was recently diagnosed with ADD.
Monkey, my oldest daughter (11). Since babyhood she has had an incredible memory, especially for music. She composes music and even untrained, she has an incredible singing voice (taking after great-aunts who sang professionally). She is a smart one. She started talking at 10 months and by age two could discuss things like coniferous and deciduous trees. She has a very intense personality, dislikes challenges, but wants to cure the world of any and all injustice.
Bucket, my oldest son (9). Is also incredibly intelligent. Taking after his daddy, he taught himself to read at age three and is a SPEED reader (seriously, you can't believe it till you see it). He's always been just a little bit different than the average bear, but it grew worse as he got older. Sometimes it seemed like I was losing him. It took a year and a couple doctors, but we have a sort-of diagnosis (the specialist even said he was a difficult diagnosis): yes, he's on the Asperger's spectrum, but not enough to "worry about," most of his difficulties come from being smarter than he is mature (=anxiety) and severe ADD with hyperfocus. ADD meds have made a world of difference and I feel like I have my child back.
W (4). Doesn't have a nickname. He's "just W----". His most showy claim to intellectual fame is that he could put 24-32 piece jigsaw puzzles together before he was two. Makes his great-grandad proud. Now he is teaching himself to read, write and play the piano. He has an amazing imagination and keeps us entertained with the voices he does - especially the one he uses with his little sister (he never talks to her with his "regular" voice).
Nini (2). Is a very big person in a very tiny package. She gets lots of comments about how well she talks and how smart she is (which are true), but I think the old ladies in the grocery store can't see past her bald little head. We're on the five-year plan with her hair. She is very loving - saying "I love you" before saying goodbye to EVERYONE and always quick with please and thankyou.
Padme the cat (12). Thinks she is a person. Used to be so patient, now she's an onery old lady.
Arwen the cat (6). Best. Cat. Ever. Also the Turkish Angora I always wanted.
Lucy the cat (5). Siamese. Thinks she's in charge. Enough said.
Duncan the cat (4). Real life fraidy cat. After three years with us... still thinks we'll eat him.
Trigger the dog (1). Going to be a great dog, but for now he's making my life difficult.
The backyard flock. Currenly seven strong and enjoying their new dog-proof coop.
The new house (60+). After 11 years of marriage and over a year of waiting for the short sale to go through- we finally bought our first home. It's small (1800 sq ft, four bed, two bath), but fits our needs - including a studio out back for Beorn's leather and pottery.
For years I've been waiting - waiting for my "real life", the one I always envisioned, to finally start. When I was younger that kind of waiting made sense, that's what youth is all about, dreaming and planning for when you "grow up". Problem was, I kept doing it, even after I got married and started having kids. I married a wonderful man, who really is a good match for me in many ways, and although I knew he "had depression" I never saw the full extent of it until after we were married. His depression has ranged through the years from mild to suicidal. Add to that his ADD (recently diagnosed), feelings of low self-worth and lack of drive.... the result - he's always under-employed and we never seemed to "get anywhere" in life and definitetly not the places in my hopes, plans and dreams. I kept waiting for the time he'd stop being depressed, make some goals and get working. Then we could get on with "real life". It took me a decade to stop "waiting" and feeling sorry for myself. My life may not be all that I dreamed and planned - but it is still wonderful.
And yes, I have contemplated "taking charge" of my life. Going out and getting the good job that would support our family in the way I would like. But I have felt strongly my whole life that I should be a stay-at-home mom. I know it's what I should be doing at this stage of my life. Besides, the two times I've thought seriously about going back to work - one found me with an unplanned pregnancy, the other with a very clear message during General Conference that I needed to be home, just before Bucket started having problems that required more and more of my time. I know others look at me and shake their heads, but it is clear to me that I need to be home with my kids even if that means being poor for now...
You are beautiful just where you are and the way you are
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