I want to give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you saw the scene my child created in the hall as they were half dragged to priesthood room by a member of the Primary Presidency after acting out in Primary and then carried to me by an obliging brother who took pity on the harried sister. Maybe you thought to run to the rescue of this poor, misunderstood child who certainly would receive a severe beating when left alone with his mother. But the fact is you do not know me. You do not know my child. You do not know my child's issues and needs. (You did not see this child kick their sibling and give them a bloody nose during sacrament meeting last week, while I was in the foyer with another child.) You do not know my feelings on parenting, disciplining... you don't know my feelings on anything. You don't know me. You don't know my life, my challenges, my strengths. You don't even know how many children I have and that this isn't my first time dealing with this "stage". All you know is whatever tiny moment of my life you witnessed today. Did my child get a beating? If you really were following to the rescue, then you saw our entire exchange and know that they did not get anything more than a time-out until they were ready to talk to me, followed by an explanation of why what they did was not appropriate (after they said they didn't really know WHY). And if you missed the drama my child caused and missed the beginning of our exchange, what gave you the right to assume I was handling things "wrong". All you would have seen was a mother crouched down, to talk to her child on their level, speaking softly and calmly while the child calmly and quietly talked back. Nothing that screamed INTERVENTION! I did not need your interrupting, your interference or your attempt to undermine my parenting techniques. I did not need the condescending lecture on how kids shouldn't get in trouble for "acting their age" or how I should just be patient because by the time my child is twelve they will have figured "things" out (because even your autistic kid had figured it out by then). You do not know my kids, you don't know their strengths, you don't know their struggles. One of the few "rules" I have learned about children is that aren't really "rules." Just because something is true for one child, doesn't mean it is true for any other. I would never dream of telling someone that, because my kids were a certain way, their's would be that way too! Goodness, I wouldn't even do that between my own children. Any experience mother knows that EVERY CHILD IS DIFFERENT and just because something worked with child #1 doesn't mean it will work with child #2. Oh, we can share our experiences, but that is all it is - saying "well, this is what I experienced" not "this is the WAY IT ALWAYS IS" and "THIS IS THE WAY IT SHOULD BE DONE". And I definitely did not need a lecture on how dangerous it is to pull a child's arm straight because your grandson's elbow was dislocated in that manner, when I gently guided my child back toward the Relief Society room in an attempt to get away from you. I had worked so hard, from the moment I realized it was MY child being "brought to mom," to be calm, patient and loving in how I handled the situation. And I thought I was doing really well. I had managed to not get angry, or embarrassed, frustrated, etc. I was looking at it as a teaching moment - the moment my child learns that the Primary Presidency are their leaders too. Your unsolicited (and rudely delivered) advise not only had me in tears for the rest of my meeting, but it disturbed the class enough that they closed the door while you delivered it (something that neither my exchange with the member of the Primary Presidency or my exchange with my child did...). I very carefully bit my tongue while you rattled off your words of "wisdom," trying to tell myself it was "well-meant," when what I really wanted to do was lash back with some rude words of my own. Your advise did nothing to change my parenting or the way I handled the disciplining of my child. My child had earned a time-out, a reminding of what is expected and appropriate at church and the privilege of sitting next to mom for the remainder of church with their arms folded. And that's what they got. I didn't need the lecture. If you really felt the need to "help" then what I could have used was support - that I've-been-there kind of smile that only another mom can give. A conspiratorially quiet "don't worry, one day they'll figure it out" as I walked them to the Relief Society room. Something that showed faith in my abilities, a belief that I really am doing my best and respect for my role as that child's mother. So, if nothing else, I can thank you for reinforcing to me the need for us to be kind and never to judge - especially with our fellow mothers. We haven't walked their road. We don't know what their row-to-hoe is really like. We need to be sure that whatever words we give them are words of understanding, words that will strengthen and support, not judge or belittle. Which probably means we should save our great "advise" for friends, for people we know, people who know we love them... or even better, save it for when it is asked for. And even more than words, we should be giving actions... offering to take the fussy baby for the frazzled new mom, quietly entertaining the rowdy toddler in the cart in front of us in line at the grocery store. And when that frazzled mom snaps at her child, think of all the times you've done the same to your kids when your bucket was empty. I bet you hope people weren't thinking the worst of you during your weaker parenting moments. She loves her kids, same as you love yours. She's trying to be a good mother. She's human, she won't do motherhood perfectly. Don't assume the worst of her... be kind, and help refill her bucket.
- - end rant - -
No comments:
Post a Comment