I've had a lot of different things running in the background of my mind the past couple months. With decisions to be made about the future, some significant family drama and reading some thought provoking books, there has been much to contemplate. Things like: How do I handle people I know and love judging me? Am I judging those I know and love? How do I handle the feelings that come up for me? Do I really need to "defend" myself? Does it really matter what they think about me, my life, my choices? In deciding on a title for this post, I was reminded of a post from long ago - Rant for the well meaning stranger. It's a different kind of hard when the "feedback" isn't coming from a person you've never met and isn't coming straight to your face, but instead comes from friends and family through what they say to other people about you or how they include you in important conversations, decisions or information.
It has been hard, but I have managed to not reply in anger and have ignored every impulse to defend myself. I understand that such feelings come from the sadness and hurt such feedback has given me. But I do not need to justify or defend myself. I can own my hurt feelings. I can stand in my place without puffing up or shrinking back. If I feel good about where I am and how I came to be here and where I am going, if I feel that I am good with God... then it really doesn't matter what anyone else says, feels or thinks about me. It was something I first learned at 14 when the boy I had a crush on asked me to "go" with him and I told him no. I had decided to not date until I was 16 and so I wouldn't go steady with a boy at 14. In the days following he, his friends, my friends, literally EVERYONE I knew with the exception on ONE PERSON, proceeded to tell me I was wrong, that I was being dumb, that I was holding to standards no one really followed, that it didn't really matter, that I should quit letting my parents or the bishop make my decisions for me (although the situation had not been discussed with any of them), etc. It was probably one of the most painful experiences of my life. To truly feel that I was standing alone. That those I expected to love and support me had turned on me instead. And, as is true of most truly painful experiences, it also served to shape me into the person I wanted to become - someone who lives with Integrity, true to what they profess to believe in every circumstance, someone who is not afraid to stand alone.
It hurts to feel like I am on the outside. It hurts to feel judged. It hurts to have people treat you one way to your face and another way behind your back. It hurts to learn people who should know you question and judge your actions and choices.
And so I am reexamining how I treat others. I am recognizing where I have been doing exactly those things to other people. And it breaks my heart to recognize that in more than one relationship, I have been guilty of exactly those kinds of behaviors. I may not agree with another's choices. I may feel those choices hurt me or others or even that person. But just as I have reasons for all of my choices, attitudes and behaviors and would love for people to bear those things in mind before judging me... so does every other person. I can't change how others behave toward me. I can't make them try to "walk two moons" in my shoes. I can't make them give me the benefit of a doubt. The only person I can control is myself. I can make sure I do those things for the people around me.
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