smart enough

My kids are "smart enough". That was the thought that came into my mind as I took the above picture. And as I pondered that thought, many of the thoughts and ideas that have been banging around my head, from all my reading this summer, seemed to finally start to come together. I guess this post is my way of seeing what I've come up with so far...



Science has shown that increases in IQ (over a certain "benchmark" amount) don't really matter. That is to say, that beyond that point, an increase in IQ doesn't translate into any measurable difference in real life - you won't be more successful, earn more, finish higher graduate degrees, etc. Having an IQ 10 points higher than the smart kid sitting next to you doesn't guarantee you any advantage in life. Nor does testing higher than the other smart kids. There is such a thing as smart "enough". After you reach that "level" of smarts other things become more important in determining how successful you will be. Things like work ethic, drive, creativity, social skills, opportunity and LUCK.



How does this relate to my kids?


Honestly, I expected my kids to be super genius (like their father) academic stars (like me). I expected them to leave the rest of the world in the dust. Topping the test scores and having every teacher say "WOW, this is the best student I have ever had!" And at first it seemed like my expectations weren't that far off. Monkey wowed both her kindergarten and first grade teachers. Her kindergarten teacher was amazed by her reasoning skills. Her first grade teacher pulled me aside to tell me how gifted she was in math. Bucket wowed those same teachers with his reading skills and his creativity. His first grade teacher confided that she would brag about him in the faculty room. See... everything seemed to support the grandiose expectations I had for them.

But, by second grade they no longer seemed to stand out. Monkey agonized about not being the "best" reader (since her little brother read just as well, if not better, than her). She also started complaining about math and not trying if it took any effort. (I can see now that I contributed to that by telling her how smart she was in math and that her teacher said she was gifted. One of the things I learned this summer is how kids who are told they are smart tend to be afraid of trying. They are afraid of failing and losing that "label"). Bucket's attention problems became an issue by second grade. What was "cute" in a kindergartner or first grader was a "problem" in second grade. His confidence suffered a lot. And if Monkey, who was the one "good" at math, complained and struggled.... then he had to be sure to complain and struggle, too. My kids had been labeled as smart, so they took fewer and fewer risks and fell more and more into the background academically.

By fifth grade, Monkey's teacher labeled her as a "good" student - not "above average" or "excellent". WHAT?! Not my kid! My children have genius level IQs - any one who spends any time with them knows that. But... they aren't shining at school. Why? The short answer: they don't try. They don't take risks. They baulk at anything that requires effort on their part. Just at the moment when they should shine, they fall safely back into obscurity. And, with my spoken and unspoken academic expectations, my poor kids are a mess. (let me pause here and qualify all this by saying that Monkey and Bucket are good students. They do well, very well, in school. What we're talking about is my expectation that they should be the "best of the best of the best, sir!")

So, I've had to come to the realization that it doesn't matter if my kids are the smartest, the brightest stars out there. They are smart enough. How they measure/compare with the other smart kids on those standardized tests shouldn't matter to me. I don't need to come back, to the mother bragging about her smart kid, with proof that my kids are "smarter". They are smart enough. They have passed the benchmark IQ, so it doesn't matter if so-and-so's score is higher. What will matter is if my kids learn to TRY. Learn to WORK. Learn to use that incredible intelligence they have. Learn that how they measure up to so-and-so will never affect my love or approval of them.

So, no more academic expectations. (well... there will be some. Good grades are a must, but excellent/perfect grades and scores aren't. So, I guess that should read "no more excessive/unreasonable academic expectations. A "B" should not be the end of the world.) No more feeling insecure about how my child compares. I know they're smart. People who get to know my kids will know they are smart. They don't have to be the very smartest. It should be more important to me that my kids know they are loved, have confidence, have faith in themselves, that they are willing to try and to risk failure, that they are willing to work and work hard when it is needed. Those are the skills that will allow them to shine when it is REALLY important. (And let's face it. School and school rankings are NOT when it is most important. I would much rather have my kids be happy and successful in real life, than in high school.

Of course, W and Nini will probably benefit the most from all this, since I can apply what I've learned from raising the older two.See? I've got them working. My two year old has the confidence to try and peel carrots. She doesn't melt down when it's hard. My four year old keeps at it and succeeds. In fact, he peels away most of the carrot in one spot. No critiquing on my part, only a big thankyou for their help.