Brutally Honest

Once upon a time, there was a little boy.  Like many children, this boy had a blanket he loved.  And like most lovies, this blanket became extremely old and worn.  After so many years of constant love, the blanket had reached the state of dirty from which there is no return.  No amount of washing or mending could redeem it.  The boy's mother tried to wean him from the blanket, to no avail.  She tried many tactics, with no success.  Finally, she resorted to throwing the blanket into the fire and the boy watched, in tears, as his precious lovey burned to ashes.

This is a true story that was shared with me.  The first time I heard it, I was scandalized.  How could a mother willingly destroy her child's lovey!  I would NEVER treat MY child in such a fashion.  I had a lovey and I can only imagine the trauma I would have experienced if my mom had burned my Snoopy.

But...

I didn't imediately condemn that mother.  I didn't accuse her of abuse or of irreparably damaging her relationship with her child.  I am a mother.  I understand what it feels like to reach that state of frustration.  I have experienced the feeling that occurs when all your efforts to reach a child have been ineffective.  Although, I wouldn't resort to such extreme measures over a lovey (since I find gross lovies kind of nostalgic), I have had to resort to extremes as a mother as well.  Although I couldn't pat that mother on the back for her method of getting rid of that fomite, I could have put my arm around her and commiserated on how frustrating childrearing can be or I could have smiled and laughed, knowingly, since I understand exactly how she felt and why she did what she did.  You see, I have experienced the frustrations of motherhood.  I didn't feel the need to call her to repentance because my experiences allowed me to feel empathy for her situation.

So, would I be dishonest then, to not tell that mother I think she went too far?  Am I duty bound to call her to repentance?  When should you be brutally honest?  Well.  If you are asked for your opinion, then definitely give it.  But what qualifies as asking?  Does a friend sharing an experience mean they are soliciting a "brutally honest" appraisal of their actions?  Is their sharing an experience merely them begging for praise and petting?  Maybe the friend is seeking advice, maybe they are just wanting ego petting, maybe they're just at their wits end and seeking support from those who they hope would understand.  Yes, as a friend, I think you should let the people you care about know when you disapprove of their actions.  And if those who read my blog disagree with what I do, please feel free to tell me.  That's the risk you take when you put your private life up for display in a public forum.  I started this blog first and foremost because I felt prompted that I needed to share my life and my experiences and the things I am learning with others.  That prompting was reinforced by a talk in LDS General Conference last spring.  I hope that by keeping my blog public I may somehow be a good influence on someone. 

I don't mind having people disagree with me.  I do enjoy a good debate.  Ask my husband.  I like arguing at times.  Heck.  Even I don't agree with all of my life's choices.  That's what maturing and experience are for.  My posts are just me sharing my life.  The joys, the frustrations and even the occassional despair.  In an effort to increase my readership (remember, I felt like I needed to do this blog so people would read it) I do occassionally post links on Facebook.  Usually those links come after I see that post after post are being missed.  I know my friends have busy lives and, since most are not "followers" of my blog, I try to remind them that my blog exists.

So, if you don't like what I do that's ok.  But please choose the words of your feedback carefully.  Words are powerful.  And words can carry just as much baggage as our childhoods.  Be sure you actually mean what you say (or type).  If, when you say "I was abused" you mean someone hit you, be sure your listener understands.  To them "abuse" may mean sexual assault.  The resulting misundertanding can have tragic consequences, as I know from personal experience.  So if, for example, you truly feel my parenting is abusive, then you are duty bound to report me to DCFS.  Because, abuse, in my mind, is an action that crosses that final line - to being truly wrong.  That is why they take children away in cases of abuse.  If you only disagree with my methods, if you feel they are excessive or harsh, be sure you say that instead.