a question of discipline

I have shared the litterbox issue with many people, friends, neighbors, facebook and here. I found the response very interesting - from shocked and appalled, to cheers. Several people have just been amazed to hear we even have trouble with Monkey, since she is always so good in public. (a fact of which I remind myself everytime she gives me grief - at least she is well behaved away from home!). Some of the comments have bothered me. A lot. I gave it all some thought this afternoon and came up with an interesting parallel. We have a different "dog parenting" perspective than some pet owners. We did some reading and found a dog pyschology philosophy that we agreed with. We then hired a professional, private trainer, who follows that philosophy, to teach us how to work best with our dog's personality and temperment. The result is: a dog who gets two walks daily, spends a lot of time crated and wears a weighted backpack. That may look "bad" to some people, but we are doing our best to "raise" a well-adjusted and well-behaved dog. I've had friends (with different dog parenting philosophies) express concern: "he does get out of the crate, doesn't he?". But as we've discussed dog parenting and as they've spent time with us and our dog, they have come to respect our views and see how his behavior has improved, even if they don't want to "raise" their dog the same way. But never have I had someone say I was being cruel or abusive to my dog, for not treating him the way they would treat their dog.

It hurt that people would say that about how I try to teach my daughter.

We've tried a multitude of "less severe" consequences, to no avail. She's not learning responsibility. And it's not just about scooping the litterbox. She doesn't like feeling like she "has" to do something. She only "performs" when she "wants to." It's her M.O. And it's not a "teenager phase" thing. She's always been this way - even potty training - no amount of rewards, charts, stickers, etc would motivate her. She knew how and she knew she would be rewarded, but she had to exercise her power to refuse. Only when she found something she wanted (rather than the "standard" reward) would she perform. Then she would take herself to the bathroom and come running out - "I went pee, can I have ____."

It does make me feel like a terrible mother that after 12 years I still haven't figured out what discipline really "works" for her. I've spent twelve years reading books, magazines, asking others for advice, praying for inspiration... but I still haven't figured it out. She won't help around the house, she won't make her bed, clean her room, you name it. She doesn't do her homework and when I make sure it's done, she doesn't turn it in. (If they did grades in elementary here, she wouldn't be passing.) I've already tried all kinds of consequences (taking away books, friends, toys, etc) but things don't improve. She'll only comply when she is compeled. I try positive reinforcement as well - usually fun actvities (park, movies, friends, etc), but they rarely work either. For example, she won't voluntarily help clean up, knowing we'll go to lunch with Grandma when we're done. As far as grades, she knows she won't be going to girls' camp unless her grades improve - and believe me, she WANTS to go to camp - yet, we still have missing assignments.

And honestly, no one will want Lucy - she's old and has health problems. What listing her does is make having a cat a priviledge, rather than a right. Oh, and Lucy is not technically Monkey's cat, she just Monkey's favorite and Monkey is the self-designated "owner" when the kids divvy up who's cat is who's. The consequence isn't really "Monkey loses her cat" the consequence is "the number of cats in house is reduced (thereby reducing the amount of poop to be scooped)." Since Lucy is Monkey's favorite and would adjust the most easily to a new home - it made sense for her to be the first to go. And honestly, we may have to say goodbye to other pets as well, in the end. With Beorn not working, it's getting really hard to keep them all fed (and in kitty litter). I'm doing what I can to keep my beasties. They aren't my babies, but I do love them. I'm already babysitting two kids, doing production sewing for my dad and taking sewing/mending jobs (I'm currently making a prom dress). All I've asked is for Monkey to keep one litterbox clean, so I don't have to replace the litter every week. It's a cost cutting endeavor as well as a responsibility question.